Find what you Love and let it kill you

My dear, Find what you love and let it kill you.
Let it drain you of your all. Let it cling onto your back and weigh you down into eventual nothingness.
Let it kill you and let it devour your remains.
For all things will kill you, both slowly and fastly, but it’s much better to be killed by a lover.
Charles Bukowski

Just wanted to say hi but produced a rather lengthy blog post about life, death, starting things up and writing things down… Read or skip it, but know I’ll be back soon with more creative content, link update and a postcard swap for sure.

Snow day in March
My beloved pink boots, a thin icicle melting, the cold and always unexpected snow of March,
and an indoor summer bouquet.

I always have things to write about. My brain is full of wonderful topics in the color of the rainbow. They disturb everyday life and needs to be written down. Blogging, this awesome creative outlet, is always on my mind, and has been for the past decade! So when I take a break from blogging you must think something is terribly wrong… It was/is, and it isn’t. I’m fine. And I am sorry if some of you, my dear readers, have been worried about me. Thanks for asking about my health, leaving kind comments, and sending me e-mail reminders that I need to get back to my blog. You’re so right. I need to get back to sharing, not because some of you are waiting for a sign of life, but because this is such big, bold and beautiful part of wee life. It has always been a part of my life that makes me happy, and it continues to thrill me.

I am not sure I will continue for ever, but for now I am not quiting. This is not the time to end this blog, even though I haven’t posted for too many days. I do not like endings anyway, so let’s not think about that day… For now I need your company, I need to share my photography and artwork with you guys. Thanks for sticking with the blog and checking back for updates…

It simply did not feel good to leave March with that one blog post, so as we’re nearing the end of the month I am trying to pull myself together. I am not sick anymore, but I have fallen into a writer’s illness that is, maybe not a block but similar. It’s called “too much to share”. Where do you start when your brain is jam packed with the past three months ups and downs? Oh, no need to answer that, I know the answer already. You just start anywhere and continue from there. Where you start does not matter, the most important thing is always always always that you start!

Chocko Smoothie by little brother Andersson

Poor yourself a drink, sit down and start something. Weather it is a painting, a blog post or writing morning pages every day, you’ve got to take one step at a time and then continue from there. It is the only way you will ever get anything accomplished. It is the easiest strategy ever, yet so hard to realize at times. Especially when you “get away from it” for a few weeks, like I have. It is way too easy to loose your good habits, sometimes it happens in a matter of days. Sometimes you loose sight of what’s important too, and it is just as bad.

I have been caught up inside my head this month. Procrastinating, thinking, resting, and thinking some more. I have several reasons, or maybe I should just call them excuses. The reason why it was hard to write in January and February was that my paternal grandmother died, at the age of 96. She is (was?) one of my favorite persons in the whole world, so it feels like my family shrunk a tremendously when she went to “the other side”.

I will always miss you
Vintage photos of my grandmother, her collection of May Flowers, the hospital corridor
and the sky of her last day in life.

But death can be a good thing. My grandmother was ready to die, and had been for quite some time. It was her time to go. She died calmly in her sleep just a few hours after we visited her for the last time (16th of January), though she did not wake up on our last visit. But it is still so darn hard to understand death (or life), if at all possible. It is so final, and I don’t like endings. Ever. Death is also so overwhelmingly foreign and strange when it enters our lives. It is such a normal thing, the way it has to be and should be – but because it happens so rarely it falls upon us like an abomination. We accept that it is a fact of life, but in fact it is very hard to be at peace with its interference of life.

I think I needed to share her death here, so that I can move on to other things. This blog needed it. I have a creative idea for a project involving all the things I have brought to my home from hers, as we’ve been going through everything these past weeks. Throwing away stuff, sorting, saving, reading through old papers, laughing at letters she wrote, finding treasures (like the school drawings of my grandmother’s sister), giving boxes of stuff away, and keeping some of the important stuff. Dividing the memories so that we all can have a piece of her belongings.

Well, I really want to document, through photography and maybe writing as well, all the things I inherited, especially the collection of bric-a-brac and trinkets I couldn’t let go of (including my grandfather’s tiny collection of owls). And writing about my idea for a project here feels like a start. Thanks for reading on, and letting me think about this project here with you guys. Would you mind if it became a series of blog posts, perhaps? Among other blog posts of course, I have lots to share.

Starting something new
The start of something new (using old yarn from my grandmother’s stash), eating waffles with blueberries,
finding ice on the ground, and adding snow to my art journal.

As I get back to blogging I will start the postcard swap sign up soon, but first I want to get back to my Spotted Photo Theme idea. January was supposed to be Darkness and Light (think lightplay, winter photography, and such) and then February Vehicles (pick your favorite way of transportation or the kind of vehicles that mostly show up in your photo folders). But since I’m the boss I am moving Darkness and Light to next winter, and will post some photos of vehicles the 5th of April. If you want to join me, prepare a post on that theme. I’d love to see your collection of photos then.

And as I have already said in this post and numerous times before, the act of starting is what gets you going. I started writing, and found I had things to say. I always find writing cathartic and wonderful. It is important to me, so important that I choose WRITING as my one little word of the year… And then I almost instantly stopped writing anything. That has to change. This is a start, though we’re now at the end of the blog post. I would like this blog to have at least one blog post every second day next month, or more…

I won’t make promises, but I will try my hardest. And in the end, isn’t that the only thing we can ever do?

28 Responses

  1. Thank you so much, hanna. How wonderful to get back to your precious line of thoughts. It’s just a treat. You are such an inspiration…

  2. Dear Hanna, i was really worried about you. I know this sounds strange. I have been following your blog since a long time, though i do not comment much here. We have not met, i did not join any postcards swaps or anything. Yet, this lovely community of blogging brings us together. I love seeing your creativity and being inspired. I can understand something is wrong when you do not post regularly. Of course, writing a blog should never be a burden, it is always up to you to post whatever and however you like. Sometimes giving a break is a much needed thing, too. And coming back , like you said, should be naturally, without a fuss. Diving back in. I just wanted to say i am sorry for your loss. I hope all will get better and the coming spring will bring good news to you.

  3. May your darling Grandma rest in peace Hanna. Death is part of life but as you say it is so damned final. Take care of yourself and thanks for writing such a lovely post. Your grandma will be smiling.Hugs xx

  4. Hi Hanna – so sorry you have been going through a sad time. So cool that you have so many wonderful memories and now things of hers to use and create new pieces that will be a mix of her and you. It is lovely to have you back – I understand the joy of having the blog to get things out of your head and captured. It’s a bonus if others are inspired. Only keep doing it for you – and I hope April is Light out of Darkness for you.

  5. sometimes it a love hate relationship with a blog. I know that is the kind of relationship I have with mine. I am sorry to hear about your grandmothers passing. Don’t push yourself to post when you don’t have the heart for it, get back slowly, ease into it. It would be great to see your grandfathers collection of owls, wow sounds so interesting.

  6. I’m sorry to hear about your grandma. I’ve lost all of my grandparents and I still REALLY miss my one grandma I was really close with, 21 years after she passed away. Hugs to you and your family.

  7. What a lovely post Hanna. Losing those we love, even when it’s time, can leave the heart so tender. So sending love. But your post is such a beautiful tribute to your beautiful grandmother, and so I celebrate that and look forward to future stories. And this post is also a beautiful tribute to you and your honoring of yourself and this journey. And I celebrate that as well. Welcome back. You were missed.

  8. dear Hanna
    people above said such empathic words; I join them all. I am happy to know you’re coping and finding a place in your heart to stock all the golden memories and that you have attempted to share with us what really can’t be said in words…sometimes silence says it better….still, sometimes it helps to unburden, be it in words or in pictures…….you have many friends (never seen or met but still…) and don’t worry for long absences anymore: I have found so much treasure in earlier blog posts that I will continue to explore!

  9. Oh, Hanna I am so sorry for your loss. Your grandmother must have been a very special person for you to miss her so much. Please share your stories about her and your grandfather. They have helped contribute to the wonderful person you are today. I have missed your posts, and will be happy to read your new ones whenever you feel ready to write again. Take care.

  10. Dear Hanna,

    It was so nice to find an email in my box showing that you had updated your blog. I loved the pictures that you shared [What a beautiful summer bouquet!] And also such lovely photos of your grandma as well.

    I’m so sorry for your loss, my friend. (Big Hugs)


  11. What a thoughtful post Hanna, death is a part of life but so hard to deal with. Sending you love and hugs at this time x

  12. I am so sorry for your loss. I know that grieving takes its own time, and each person recovers in her own way.

    Sending much sympathy, with the hope that color and sunshine, and your fond memories of your grandma, will help heal your heart.

  13. I’m sorry for the loss of your beloved grandmother. For those of us who crave the sunny side of life, death is a great big club that can drive us underground. Good for you for sharing your pain and getting on with writing if it helps you. Give yourself some time and flowers and you’ll find your way forward. Oh, and don’t forget to add in some pink!

  14. Dear Hanna,
    I am so sorry for your loss. Honoring your grandmother through your creativity is such a beautiful tribute to her memory. I am so happy to see you back to your blog…I always become inspired after reading your posts & seeing your beautiful creations. Sending you some big, pink hugs from NYC! 💗

  15. Hanna! It’s nice to hear from you again. I am so very sorry to hear about your grandmother, she sounds like a lovely woman. I am sure her spirit will be with you forever. <3 As spring arrives (still no sign of it in my part of Canada!) those greens and pinks will bring peace and harmony to your soul. Sometimes we need to let go and drift in order to see the shoreline. :)

  16. I’m so sorry to hear about your grandma – although she was in peace with her own death, it still is hard for the ones left behind. Death and life is difficult, difficult to think about and even more difficult to write about, let alone in another language. You read my last blogpost about that, and I know you have the same: writing in English takes so much time and effort that it can keep us from blogging, especially when you want to blog about something important, so thank you for sitting down and writing it down on your blog. It’s good to share. Starting a project with things you inherited from your grandma sounds like the best thing… I’m sure you will make something beautiful and yes, please share if you feel like it. Big hug from Holland!

  17. Count me as someone who was worried about you too. I’m so sorry for your loss. I know that feeling of being stuck, having something huge weighing on your mind & heart but not feeling comfortable talking about it, yet also not feeling comfortable NOT talking about it. I hope this is a clearing of the air for you, and that you’re able to move forward with lighter steps now. Also, I recently sent out a package of goodies for you, so I hope that cheers you up. The post office said it would take a couple more weeks to get out to Sweden. In the meantime, take care. <3

  18. I am sorry for the loss of your grandmother. Losing the people we love is never easy . . . and I think the bond we have with our grandparents is very special. I miss my grandma so much . . . yet every time I pick up a crochet hook or a needle – I know that she is there with me. I truly believe they live within us . . .
    I also understand that feeling where your brain is so full that you don’t know where to begin. I have a bad habit of not beginning when I get like that. Thanks to people like you and the inspiration you give through this blog . . . it helps me begin and do something. Thank you for that . . .
    Nice to have you back.

  19. Dear Hanna,
    my deepest sympathy on the loss of your grandmother. I was touched to tears by the photographs documenting the last day in her life: The empty hospital corridor and that overwhelmingly beautiful sky. Your beloved grandma will live on in your own beautiful and wise soul. Thanks for sharing your sorrows and your thoughts.

  20. dear Hanna, the words spoken here by so many are in my heart for you also. And your writing is such a lovely treat you know? For many of us it is a wonderful window onto the world we share, and yet a different window. And your insights and thoughts are deep and expressive. Do we really ever “understand” life & death? Maybe not. But we do, most certainly “experience” them and that is a gift isn’t it?
    Much love Hanna.

  21. Dear Hanna,

    I often read your blog but have never commented before, but like others have been worried about what you might have been feeling to not want to post on your beautiful blog, which is such an inspiration and expresses such joy and creativity. So sad to hear of the passing of your grandmother, like another person who commented above, my grandmother has been dead for twenty years and I still miss her and remember our special relationship. So while this time is very difficult it will, over time, get easier for you, and hopefully writing and creating with her in your heart will help you to deal with your loss.

    with love from Australia,

  22. Hanna, I am sorry to be so late visiting here, but this isn’t about me. You are a shining light in the art and blogging world, and there is no way anyone is going to fault you for taking a break from social media or self-exposure, no matter what the reason!
    Thanks for sharing more of yourself with us. I love experiencing you doing what you love to do, and I celebrate your grandmother for helping to bring you to the world!

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